Three years ago I was the opposite. I was in a bad situation, yes, but more than that I was tight – like a ball of rubberbands.  There was no space in me.  Everything was inward and pulling to the center.  My negative feelings and negative situation couldn’t escape so they sat at my center and festered. I think of conflicts I had with people at the time and how I was too closed to embrace the other person and their needs.

It is startling to me to see the difference in me.  For example, I had an impromptu get together with wonderful friends the other day.  My house was messy, I was messy, but it was ok.  It would be easy to think this was about the people in my life (awesome friends, more about that in a minute) but I really think it is a change in me (which probably helped me attract such wonderful friends).  I have literally NEVER had a friend into my house without a week’s notice.  No, really, I mean it.  Ever.

Why? It is insulting to all of my friends to think it was because they would judge me for not having a perfect house and a perfect life.  They are wonderful people and wouldn’t have cared about that.  But I did.  I cut myself off from people because to know me meant to see under the shell of perfection I was projecting to the world.  I mourn the deeper friendships I could have had if I had been open.

Another example, I would never have been able to do a video class three years ago.  My self-hatred at my fatness would have kept me from it.  Now, I’m not free from any body image issues, but I’m not paralyzed by them either.  I just did my first video lesson and you know what? I’m smart, and friendly, and warm.  How could I have thought the size of my butt was more important than that?  And I’m sometimes not smart or not as friendly as I hope to be and I’m fat, fatter than 3 years ago.  But, you know what? I am wonderful.  I am enough.  And that is beautiful.

I’ve quite suddenly made the best two friends I’ve ever had in my entire life.  That might sound sad but I’ve always been close to my family so I thought that was why I didn’t have a lot of girlfriends.  And I do mean sudden.  I’ve met them both in the past year and I love them so much it about makes my heart burst.  I feel like we’ve been friends since birth.  All the things I thought about friendship have been turned on their head.  Aren’t people friends because they have something in common?  I could make a list as long as my arm of how I am different from these two women.  It isn’t about some beneficial convergence of hobbies or passions.  It is infinitely more abstract and magical than that.  I couldn’t tell you why we are friends.  And especially not why we are such good friends so damn fast.  But we are.  And that is beautiful.

I am on the cusp (or perhaps I’ve fallen over the edge) into a career that feeds my soul.  I always hear “do what you love” but so few people live that.  I didn’t think I could.  What if you love gardening? Or reading? how do you make money at that?  I didn’t know you could feed your soul and contribute to your family’s income.  And that is beautiful.

If I could talk to my younger self I would say to stop labeling yourself.  Even good labels are bad.  I was the smart one (so watch what you say).  I was good at science (and therefore not good at art, or writing, right?).  I was the pretty one (so what a disappointment to get fat!). I was the talented, outgoing one.  These things meant to lift me up where huge weights tied to my ankles while I tried to tread water.  Even things like virgin – a good thing until it isn’t.  Until an honest expression of sexuality is terrifying.  Be open, young Paige.  Be open to be who you think you aren’t.  Because you are.  And that is beautiful.

My marriage has an open wound right now.  But, once again, labels minimize the reality.  I’m not the betrayed or the betrayer.  I’m not the victim.  I’m not the saint. I’m just me.  A wonderful, meaningful human being and so is he. So, I’m open to it all.  No labels just open arms to receive and to give.  Life only has one purpose and that is love. Period. There is nothing else.

So thank you.  Thank you, universe.  Thank you, you who are reading this.  Thank you, you rolling your eyes at my fluffy-speak.  Thank you, me.  Really, thank you me.  You are beautiful soul. You are enough.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I suddenly understand the title of book by Iyanla Vanzant.  On day my soul just opened up.  It really did.  And there I was.

The post Finding Me appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

Well duh.

This “problem” is often trotted out by those afraid that unschooling is next to child neglect.  The study used 5-10 year olds and used a standardized test to rank kids.  Are you surprised that unschooled kids did not excel at this?

Of course they didn’t and here are some of the reasons why:

1. Unschooled kids have little to no experience with “academics” – learning broken up into discreet subjects with abstract assignments and then tests of knowledge regurgitation.  Why would they suddenly excel at taking a LONG, BORING standardized test?
2. Unschooled kids learn to read when it is right for them.  Sometimes that may be 9 or 10 years old. If any of the kids taking the test were not able to read then they wouldn’t do very well.  That doesn’t mean they won’t learn to read – unschooled kids read “late” by public school standards (and homeschool curricula) but often jump from non-reader to voracious, advanced reader in a short period of time because they were ready.
3. Unschooled kids learn math when the time is right and in real world situations.  Being asked to do something purely arithmetic with no application doesn’t make any sense to them.  Maybe they should test the kids on their ability to build something, budget something, or solve a problem instead?
4. Unschooling families are not raising 5-10 year olds that compare well to other 5-10 year olds.  They are raising adults with curiosity, learning passion, and critical thinking skills.  Where they are on an arbitrary level of “grades” compared to their same-age peers is of no consequence at all and NOT indicative of future success.  E.g. a 10 year old unschooler who isn’t reading yet isn’t doomed to be a poor reader.  He may be the next Hemmingway by the time he’s 20.

Unschoolers aren’t on the same track as public schooled kids or traditionally homeschooled kids and this can be scary.  For teachers, critics, homeschoolers, and for YOU.  As an unschooling mom it is hard not to notice when your child doesn’t know something that a kindergartener “should”.

Take a deep breath.  They will learn when they need to.

Homeschoolers and public school folks – you take a deep breath too.  My child is not neglected and will not end up “stupid” because he isn’t on your same time line.  We aren’t apathetic about education.  We disagree with the method and timeline.  Education is VERY important to unschoolers.  So important that we take our kids out of a system that we feel could stunt their learning passion.

You don’t have to agree and discussions are welcome but calling unschooling neglectful because my second grader isn’t writing cursive is missing the point.

The post Unschoolers Underperform Homeschool and Public School Peers appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

Pregnant women in Mexico – where they are called Bolas – and Bali – where they are called harmony balls or angel callers – have been wearing these beautiful necklaces for centuries. Not only are they beautiful but they emit a soft, melodic chime while you move. Worn starting at 16 weeks pregnant it is thought that the sound is soothing to the baby and that the baby will continue to be soothed after birth by the delicate sound.

This is strung on a 20″ drop necklace (20″ from neck to pendant, 40″ of chain) so it hangs low but above the belly button. It continues to make a stunning statement after pregnancy.

The post Sound of a Mexican Bola Pregnancy Charm (also called a Harmony Ball) appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

This article was originally posted on Everyday Feminism.  This Thursday 4/4 I’ll be on EF Talk Radio taking questions about Gender Neutral Parenting! Tune in and learn more.

Practicing Gender Neutral Parenting - Thur, 4/4, 8 pm EST/5 pm PST

Credit: NAYEC

The day I found out the baby I was carrying was a girl, I bought a frilly, pink dress. It had taken me a long time to get pregnant and I wanted a girl. Yes, I wanted a “healthy baby” but I was honest enough with myself to say I preferred a girl.

In retrospect, it seems incongruent with my feminist views that I did something so “pigeonholing” to my 20 week old fetus. Shouldn’t I have rushed out to buy The Feminine Mystique to read her in-utero?

Everywhere you look, there are pink princesses and blue football shirts. The “gender neutral” section – defined by blank green and yellow onesies – of a store like Babies R Us is almost non-existent.

This is largely because most parents today know the sex of their child prior to birth thanks to ultrasound technology. The demand for clothes that are non-gendered is lower and companies step in with specialized clothing that increases their sales.

Parenting outside the mainstream boy/girl dichotomy can seem daunting to say the least. Am I not allowed to think that dress is cute? Is it ok if I put my baby boy in that jumper with the soccer ball on the butt? What do I do when the photographer calls my daughter “princess” for the millionth time?

The desire to not pigeonhole a child into a specific gender based solely on their biological sex is called Gender Neutral Parenting (GNP) and it isn’t easy to know what Gender Neutral Parenting is and is not.

Recently a psychologist named Dr. Keith Ablow stated on Fox & Friends that a woman was “nuts” for giving her son a doll (you can see the video here). Let’s just set aside for a moment the abelism of calling someone “nuts” because you don’t agree with them.

His view of “gender bending” couldn’t be further from the truth and he falls prey to several common myths about Gender Neutral Parenting.

So let’s set the record straight:

Myth #1: Gender Neutral Parenting Is About Androgyny

This myth posits that gender neutral parenting’s goal is to create a genderless world by abolishing all concepts of male or female. Parents only allow non-gendered toys in neutral colors and androgynous clothing.

Reality: Although the 1970s saw a smattering of articles claiming androgyny as the pinnacle of human evolution – the theory that gender roles are completely learned – we now tend to see gender as a blending of biological (nature) and cultural (nurture) influences. Dr. Ablow said parents “wrench [it] in to some kind of non-genderness.”

However, GNP does not seek to force androgyny on children any more than it wishes to force masculinity or femininity on children.

The whole point of GNP is that is doesn’t force any preconceived gender norms onto a child in the hopes that they can find their own comfort spot on the continuum we call gender.

Myth #2: Gender Neutral Parenting Will Make Your Kid Gay

Many organizations, such as Focus on the Family, specifically conflate gender-bending behavior in children as “signs of pre-homosexuality” and recommend interventions to promote “gender-proper” behaviors.

Reality: Most ongoing research points to a strong genetic component to homosexuality. Therefore, being gay is not something a parent can “train” a child to be. Even children raised by lesbian mothers or gay fathers aren’t more likely to be gay themselves.  A child’s sexual orientation will be what it will be. Nothing a parent does will change that.

GNP will not influence their final sexual preferences but it can have a profound effect on how traumatizing their upbringing is. A child with the freedom to choose their own comfort level on the gender spectrum and the sexuality spectrum will be less likely to be crushed under parental expectations that conflict with their inner life.

The whole point of GNP is that sex – e.g. the assignment at birth based on external genitalia – should not dictate “allowable” behaviors. If you like pink tutus, you should be able to like them with acceptance regardless of your sex.

According to TransActive, 85% of gender nonconforming children/youth are cisgender and identify as heterosexual in adulthood. So, you heard it here. Johnny (or Beckett) wearing nail polish will not make him gay.

Myth #3: Gender Neutral Parenting Is Anti-Feminine Or Anti-Masculine

Dr. Ablow also said, “What’s so bad about kids being able to be masculine and feminine?” His statement implies that GNP suppresses or shames feminine or masculine behaviors.

Reality: Gender Neutral Parenting isn’t “neutral” at all it is about diversity and removing limitations to gender expression.

If we limited girls from wearing pink or boys from playing football, then we would be replacing one set of artificial limits for another.

What we want to do is expose kids to a wide range of gender-types and give them the freedom to explore without judgment those that call to them.

Paige Schilt uses the term “gendery” to define this concept;

Rather than just begrudgingly allowing our children to play with “opposite gender” toys, the gendery parenting paradigm would encourage us to give children the language to think critically about gender binaries and gendered hierarchies.

With this in mind we would not pass judgment on a child’s choices but help them to think critically about the options society presents.

If your daughter proudly proclaims that “dolls are for girls” while playing, instead of correcting her, open a dialogue.

You might find that a friend at school told her dolls are for girls or that someone had teased her about playing with her dinosaur collection. Opening a dialogue is so much more powerful than a room full of gender neutral toys that raise no questions.

Myth #4: Gender Neutral Parenting Is Only For Trans* Kids

This myth supposes that Gender Neutral Parenting is only valuable or should only be employed after a child has displayed gender-bending behaviors. GNP helps trans* kids overcome the pain of being different but it has no value for a cisgender child.

Reality: First, no one knows when a child is born if he/she/they are trans*. According to Transgender Law and Policy Institute, 2-5% of all people are trans* and as mentioned above, most gender-bending kids will not be trans* as adults.

It is true that GNP will provide a safer and more nurturing environment that’s absent in most trans* childrens’ lives. However, cisgender children can also benefit greatly from GNP in two ways.

One, without strict gender rules children tend to find their place on the spectrum that is not so extreme as hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine but instead represent a spectrum of expression that allows children to find their own strengths and weaknesses.

A child might be amazing at construction and become a prominent architect but only if they have access to building toys and the freedom to explore with them.

Secondly, even stereotypically feminine/masculine children raised in a GNP environment will have the ability to critically question gender assumptions and to appreciate the diversity of gender roles.

Myth #5: Gender Neutral Parenting Is A Social Experiment

When families say they won’t divulge the gender of their child, some get in an uproar about “using” kids for political purposes or brainwashing them as some type of science experiment.

Reality: Everything we say and do with our kids is our attempt to teach them to function in the world at large. I want to raise my children to be good people. To me, this does not mean teaching them to tow the line and conform. It means them being strongly feminist with a passion for equality and social justice.

Traditional gendered parenting is every bit as much indoctrination. Gender-norms are taught to mold a kid into an adult that fits into society’s definition of the gender binary. Girls wear pink, like to nurture others, and are emotional. Boys don’t cry, play sports, and make money.

Even if you aren’t intentionally trying to train this into them you are by the default of gender suggestions that ubiquitously surround us everyday. Think Barbie saying “Math is Hard” and then ponder why so few women enter science, technology, engineering, and medicine. Think “boys don’t play with baby dolls” and then ponder why men don’t have the same skill level with newborns that women do.

GNP is trying to break down that narrow definition of what a child can be. If that is a political statement then it is one I’m proud to make.

So What Does This Look Like?

Was buying that pink dress anti-GNP? I don’t think so. As an introspective person, I had an awareness of my gender-laden choice. What if my daughter doesn’t like dresses? Doesn’t like pink? Doesn’t identify as a girl?

Practicing traditional, gender-biased parenting would be only letting your girls wear pink frilly frocks and making statements that subtly limit the choice. For example, “that’s not girly enough” or “you’d just look adorable in the pink one” all train her to know that mom (and society) expect her to be girly.

It would be just as gender-biased to tease my daughter for wanting to wear pink. For example, rolling my eyes with a “ugh, that is so frilly” could make her feel bad for liking feminine things.

The main way I strike a balance? I encourage her voice. I try to take my opinions out of the equation.

I’m always looking for an opening to say “which one do you like?” and respecting her choice. I let her tell me what she wants to do with her hair (no forced barrettes and uncomfortable headbands in the name of not being mistaken for a boy).

I engage her in conversations about people’s abilities (e.g. “Why is Alicia your favorite character on Go Diego, Go!”) so she can articulate things beside gender.

I don’t get bent out of shape when photographers call her “princess” but I make sure at home to comment on what a superhero she is when she lifts the garbage bag out of the trash can.

As she gets even older, I can ask “why do you like that one?” and start conversations based on stereotypical answers.

Most parents I know cringe when their seven year old says “that’s for girls.” But really, this is a great opportunity to start a dialog about gender. When the photographer calls her princess, we can later discuss why that is and what it means to be a princess.

And I can let her hear my voice. I’m girly. I own a pink hammer. Not sure if that is nature or nurture but I am self aware. I’ve let gender-expectations limit me in the past and my growing awareness of it has made me a better person.

Someday, if she asks why pictures of her at 3 months old are an explosion of pink, I’ll tell her that was my way of celebrating her.

Then I’ll tell her that now I celebrate her so much more by watching her learn to celebrate her own unique self.

What does gender neutral parenting look like in your house?

The post 5 Myths About Gender Neutral Parenting appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

Christmas this past year was a weird time of wistful melancholy as I mourned the loss of my belief.  For example, the first time I heard Do You Hear What I Hear, one of my favorites, I broke down crying.  I think toward the end of December I was able to hear the song and believe the beautiful things about it.

So, this Easter I’d like to share some of the great lessons that we, as non-Christians – whether post or ex or never – can learn from Easter.

1. Grace

One of the best things about the Easter story (which btw is Jesus’ execution at the hands of the Romans and the Sanhedrin (Jewish leaders) on what we call Good Friday and his subsequent rebirth from the dead three days later on Easter) is the concept of Grace.

Christians believe that Grace saves us.  Grace can mean a number of things but in this instance it is defined as, “unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification.”

The key word here is unmerited.  There is nothing a Christian can ever do to deserve the salvation of Jesus.  You can’t give-to-charity your way out, help-your-neighbor yourself to the top, or pray your way to heaven.  The Christian view is that we could NEVER achieve the holiness of God.  Our only hope is in the sacrifice that Jesus made for us on the cross.  All the animal sacrifices of the Old Testament were nulled with the death of God’s son, Jesus.

I no longer believe all of that but I think grace – undeserved assistance – is a valuable concept we could employ in our lives.

I went to a marriage retreat last weekend and they talked about how our society says marriages are performance based.  You receive love when your behavior matches the other person’s needs.  You already know how I feel about this type of conditional parenting.

What if we used more grace in our relationships? You know gave love, help, courtesy, whatever even when it is undeserved.  What if how we related to others was not based on merit or conditional upon their behavior at all?

2. Humility

Christians believe that Jesus was the son of God but also that he was God.  I always explained it to people like the triple point of water – that temperature at which water exists as a solid, liquid and gas simultaneously.

So, when the man Jesus hung on the cross he was in fact the all-powerful God of the Old Testament that stopped the sun, flooded the Earth, and rose a man from the dead.  I’m sure he could have managed getting off the cross and destroying his enemies.

However, he chose to accept his role with humility.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t take pride in our accomplishments but a balance with humility for your gifts is in order.

3. Forgiveness

Jesus said of his crucifiers “Forgive them, they know not what they do.”

A close sister to grace, forgiveness is often held close to our chests until someone deserves it.  What if we forgave more easily to the people in our life?

At Easter services Christians are often allowed to take their worries “to the cross” which means to literally write down you misdeeds or worries and pin them to a big wooden cross.  This symbolizes giving over your cares and sins to Jesus.

I think this relates to self-forgiveness. We are often much meaner to ourselves that others.  Maybe this Easter we could write down our worries or self-doubts and give them up to the cosmos and not let them sap the energy of our days any longer.

4. Rebirth

For Christians, the celebration of Easter is not the crucifixion (Good Friday) but the day Jesus overcame death and arose from the grave.

This is a recurrent theme throughout mythology.  There are many Jesus analogs throughout the ages such as Mithras and Osiris.  There are also myths like the Egyptian Benu bird, the Asian Fenghuang, or as it is best known in the Greek; the Phoenix.

All feature the same theme.  From complete and utter defeat when your enemies are celebrating their victory, you are reborn overcoming even death to start anew.

It is a beautiful belief and one of the reasons my tattoo design for my children (living and lost) is a phoenix.  I feel like motherhood after infertility was like rising from the ashes of defeat.

What a powerful concept that not only can we rise from our defeat but defeat is necessary for that rebirth.  What if when we struggle or have dark times we kept this in mind?

Respecting Diversity Means Respecting Religions

I think that we all can truly come together and learn and respect each others’ religions or beliefs. Mocking someone’s beliefs (like calling Easter “zombie Jesus” day) is hateful and drives people apart.  There is no reason that you can’t learn from something you don’t believe in.

I mean do we really think a tortoise and a hare once raced? Or do we know that ancient writings can have pearls of wisdom for us? Or that respecting diversity (in this case religion) makes the world a better place?

Happy Easter!

The post 4 Things Easter Can Teach Us Non-Christians appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

If you’ll remember I started an Etsy shop a few years ago with stuffed animals and some baby items.  It was fun but never really went anywhere.  This year one of my new year’s resolutions was to be a stronger voice for infertility.

Hmmm, maybe these two things could go together?  I’d always wanted mother’s jewelry that honored my kids’ unique entry into this world.  My IVF miracle and Snowflake babies!  Out of this the NEW and IMPROVED Baby Dust Boutique was born!

I have all things Infertility, IVF baby, and Pregnancy After Infertility related.  Most importantly I have mother’s jewelry with a twist for alternative family building!

Get a good luck vial of baby dust.

Or a greeting card for an infertile friend (they are so funny!)

Or a mother’s necklace with a snowflake for your FET babies or a ribbon for your rainbow baby.

Check out some of the great stuff:

Best yet, to thank everyone for checking out my new shop I’m offering

20% off EVERYTHING- no code needed, everything is already marked down

now through Saturday! Think about Mother’s Day which seems SO FAR off but is really right around the corner! Most items are custom so order early!

The post Come Visit the NEW Baby Dust Boutique + SALE! appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

The ongoing list of atrocities to woman-kind that is the “personhood” movement is astounding.  Personhood is the name given by its proponents to legislation intending to circumnavigate the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision by granting full rights to a two-cell, microscopic zygote only moments after sperm penetrates egg.

North Dakota, Mississippi, and Oklahoma currently have personhood legislation in the pipeline.

These thinly-veiled attempts to curb the legal right to abortion have bled over into a litany of other anti-woman interpretations.

You see, if an embryo is a full-human, then what does that mean for the woman whose body the embryo is living in?

Well in some cases that woman has her personhood taken from her with forced abdominal surgery, murder charges for stillbirths, and forced pregnancy after rape. Sadly, many of these cases are possible through the perversion of laws meant to protect women from domestic abuse while pregnant, called Fetal Homicide Laws, which have been enacted in 38 states.

It couldn’t be more clear that the role of the woman in these situations is as publicly owned uterus with legs. For the 40 weeks you are carrying a fetus your rights are subsumed to the fetus.

But that’s not all!

This next part that really hits me in the heart. Personhood also affects infertile couples who are creating embryos through IVF (in vitro fertilization).  Embryos that, if personhood passes, have full rights.

See this?

This is my daughter* at 3 days old.  She is only 8 tiny cells and she isn’t even a “perfect” embryo (she was grade 3 out of 4 due to the extracellular bubbles you can see). The idea that she is a full and valuable life deserving of rights feels right in my heart.  Especially since I know what an amazing person she is today.

See this?

This is one of my twin sons at 5 days old.  Here he is hundreds of cells and the cells are even differentiated so that the clump you see in the bottom will be him and the rest will be the placenta.  Today he, and his twin brother, are happy and cuddly 2 year olds.

He, however, does not have full personhood rights.  You see, he was frozen (cryopreserved) at 3 days post fertilization and some personhood laws outlaw embryo freezing – I guess they’d call it “people freezing.”

This makes me feel so, so angry.  That a law could be passed that would make his way of coming to be illegal just feels insulting.  Not that they are going to make it retroactive and round up all the kids born from frozen embryos (oh my, they aren’t are they?) but still my sons’ birth story would forever be an anomaly, a thing that is now illegal and therefore must be wrong in some way.

So, in the name of personhood you would make my son a pariah?

I could remind you that studies show that cryo-embryos have a higher success rate because the woman’s body isn’t as overtaxed during a frozen cycle.  Or that babies born from cryo-embryos are healthier at birth. Or that criminalizing embryo freezing will force women to make more risky choices by putting back more embryos during their IVF resulting in higher numbers of high-order births and putting mother and babies life at risk (not to mention increased cost).

I could probably write up a nice little unemotional, very research-driven brief on the economic costs of personhood bills.

Nah, I probably couldn’t.  I’m too MAD!

I’d rather march my boys and the other nearly 9,000 babies born from frozen embryos in 2011 right into a state legislature and let them tell the kids that they don’t represent personhood.

The post The Oxymoron of “Personhood” Legislation appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

But out with it!

I am no longer a Christian.

Meaning, no, I no longer believe that Jesus died to save me from my sins.

But it is so much more than that.  I don’t really believe in sins or that I needed to be saved.  Let me share my journey.

First – I know some of you may not want to read this.  If you are a christian you might be appalled and I understand that.  If you can’t read this that’s ok but please in the comments,

If you are going to pray for me, thank you.  I got to where I am through much prayer and I believe prayer can only help so please do.

If you are going to pray for me in an ironic, snarky way then I suggest you check you willingness to be Christ-like.

If you want to argue with my points that is more than welcome but please be respectful of my journey and I’ll be respectful of yours.

Thanks!

So, to start with this has not been easy.  I’ve been going to church since I was born.  3 days a week minimum as a child.  I was baptized at 12 when I had a dream that I died and went to hell.

I am very lucky to have been born with an abundance of faith.  I know many people struggle with this but I just believed.  I had no problem reconciling things I didn’t understand or couldn’t answer.  I had faith.  I still do.  I thank any higher power that may be (and/or my genetic predisposition) for the innate faith I was born with.

It has been very hard to be a christian as an adult.  I see so much hate perpetrated by the “church”.  I’ve said for years that I think the Catholic church (not Catholic people) is a work of Satan.  To believe you are doing good and yet be doing so much bad is a huge triumph of evil.

For years I’ve had to apologize for being a christian.  Like, “I’m a christian but not the crazy, hateful kind you see on tv.”

Or, “I’m a christian AND I’m pro-choice, pro-marriage equality, I believe the earth is 4.5 billion years old, I believe in evolution,…” and so on.  I had to separate myself from the horrible connotations of “christian.”

But that was ok.  My religion was between me and my God.  It didn’t bother me that I had to apologize for christians everywhere or that some christians hated me (I was once called a eugenicist for my abortion beliefs).  I never felt conflicted about my belief in God or Jesus because I never believed the Bible to be inerrant.  I believe it was written by men and in a context and that neither of those things can be ignored.

I had no problem seeing the old testament as a history lesson not dogma.  I also had no problem seeing the new testament as written for first century Jews (with some books for Gentiles).  Purple meant you were a whore.  My God in Heaven doesn’t hate the color purple.  Etc.

It got stickier when I thought about feminism, the place of women in the church bothered me.  I went to a very conservative church.  Women were not allowed to lead songs or say scriptures or do anything else from the pulpit.  Women also couldn’t serve in church meetings.  I wondered often, as my church (we didn’t have any instruments) struggled through another off-key hymn, why God would give me musical ability but not want me to use it in his worship?

The answer at the time was God put it there to tempt me.  I thought that made him sound like a dick.

No problem, when I went to college there were plenty of churches that didn’t take things so literally.  I could teach, sing, read and be valuable to the Lord in church.

I went to a church I loved but then they started a “pray the gay away” ministry which hurt my soul.  I couldn’t go there anymore.  I found another church.  And another.

I eventually decided there were no churches (near me at least) that taught the love of Jesus as he presented it on the Sermon on the Mount.  My religion was still in my heart.  I still believed but I’d have to practice alone.

Then I had kids.

Oh this is where it gets really hard.  I’m crying writing this.  I prayed SO FUCKING HARD for these kids of mine.  I mean you can’t even imagine.  I prayed with every thought in my head, every spare moment.  During my IVF cycle I did meditation and yoga for an hour everyday and the whole practice was a prayer.  I said, “please Dear God in Heaven give me a child.  I will raise that child to love the Lord.”

When I got the first pregnancy test positive I fell to my knees – literally, I know people say that – and thanked God through tears once again promising to pray for my child every day that they would be good christians filled with love.

By this time my religion was down to “the words in red”.  Paul was a misogynist of the ninth degree.  His writing of the epistles were so steeped in 1st century crap and his own prejudices that they didn’t mesh at all for me with what Jesus is reported to have said in red.

Having the blessing of kids finally brought me closer to my faith.  I read my bible daily, had some great devotional apps on my iphone, and meditated and prayed for myself to be the best mother possible and to pay back the kindness of the grant funders by making my kids the best they could be.

I sent my daughter to bible school this summer (free child care!!) and I was just glowing with the idea that my daughter was going to learn to love church and God.

Then she came home with a CD of songs.  She loved them.  They were cute.  Then I listened.

“Be Good and God will bless you”

“Trust God and always do the right thing”

“Jesus died to save us from our sins”

“Our sins can be covered by Jesus’ blood so they no longer make our lives dirty”

Right/Wrong? Sin? Dirty?

I didn’t like what she was learning.  It wasn’t any different from what I learned.  But I *heard* it as if for the first time and it made me shut down and ignore the feeling for a few months.

Then one day during meditation my heart just opened up to it.  I let the thought in and dwelled on it.  I realized, really realized, for the first time some things about christianity.

The whole premise is that we, humans, are sinners.  We are naturally bad people.  The world is a bad place.  We need a savior.  We need divine, unearned intervention to even think about being good.  And even then, even with the sacrifice of a diety, we are still not good enough for God.  Only grace saves us.  The world isn’t to be embraced and loved it is to be survived.  Every day of a christians life is getting through so one day we can be in Heaven with God.

We are told that our impulses are sinful and we will only have morality if we follow God’s laws.  If you have something you want to do like sing in church, be gay, etc. then God is putting that in your path as an agony – to help you understand Christ more and be more like him.  Damnit, he kind of is a dick.

I know I’m offending anyone who still believes when I say that.  But I’m really not being flippant.  I just know that the God I feel in my heart is not that God.  You know there are people who think masturbation is sinful?  So this God put a button on my body that says “press to feel good” but it was just a test.  A temptation.  That is just asshole-ish.

This horrible realization that I didn’t really believe in the christian god anymore sat in my stomach like acid for months.  I didn’t want to dwell on it or think about it because it made me sick.

Then one day I said it out loud to my sister.  It was like a weight was lifted.  It was suddenly quite clear and simple in my mind.  I do not believe in the christian god.  I don’t believe I am a sinner and that I need Jesus.

Things snowballed quickly after that.  It wasn’t easy.  It was like losing a long time friend.  Praying to Jesus was my comfort.  Suddenly I was without comfort.

Worse, I knew that coming out would bring hate my way.  I also knew that it would negate anything I had ever written for those people who would now see me as “fallen”.  My voice as a “liberal” christian would mean nothing now.

It has taken me many weeks to come to the point where I can tell the world.  And I had to tell.  I live my life out loud on this thing called the web.  I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.  You all deserve to know.

So what am I?

It is hard to be label-less after years of being a christian.  I only know two atheists well, my sister and Bill Maher.  Both have a similar atheisim that doesn’t really work for me.  They strongly believe that there is no god.  I don’t really know if there is a god.  They are also vehemently anti-religion.  I am not.  I consider myself a deeply spiritual person.

I know my children are miracles and that appreciation for art and love are not simply biological.  I believe we are inherently good.  So good.  The word is beautiful and we are beautiful too.  I feel sad to say that religion makes us much uglier than our true selves.

I’m also not a naturalist – this terms is for people who believe only what exists in nature is real.  I believe in the unbelievable.  I believe in magic if you will.  I guess I would have called them miracles.  I believe in the power of prayer.

I’m a scientist by my college degree but I’ve never been a slave of logic and the scientific process.  I believe in evoultion and the big bang but I also believe there are things beyond belief that logic alone can not understand.  I don’t care the “studies” say vitamin E doesn’t do x,y,z.  I’ve seen it for myself.  I don’t want to be a zealot for science any more than I want to be one for religion.

I’ve studied Buddhism for several years and I love the precepts.  Meditation has been life changing for me. I believe in the love and kindness of the Dalai Lama is a true and pure religion. I don’t know if I can label myself as Buddhist.

I’m currently trying to understand my new life.  I still pray but not to a specific God.  Perhaps I’m just putting my intentions out there?

I still believe in the wonder of the universe putting certain people in my path right when I need them.  I always felt like God gave me just what I needed.  Like, I needed to be home raising my kids so he gave me an asshole boss.  Now, how do I label that?  I’m not sure.  I still feel great wonder in how things work and I really don’t believe it is random.

So, there you go.  I’m not sure what I am.

I was so scared at first to let go of my tether of christianity.  Then I realized I wasn’t letting go of anything.  My path through christiantiy brought me here.  I haven’t left the path I’m just continuing where it took me.  I didn’t fall out of christianity through disuse but fell into this new arena through study and prayer.  How can I stop listening to my inner strength now?

Thanks, if you took the time to read this.  I have much love and respect for you regardless of your chosen religion or what path you are on.  Or if you don’t believe at all.  I admire anyone who takes the time to contemplate such things as this.

The post I’m Coming Out appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

Many commenters had problems with #6 and #13 in my list;

• Do not label foods as “good” and “bad”
• Avoid talking about a nutrionalist approach to food – disassembling “food” into fat, carbs, calories, and other things that need to be obsessed about and counted (difficult since it is explicitly taught in many schools).

For example, one commenter said, “I think this is ignorant regarding food options. It is highly important to educate your children about proper food intake & nutrition.”

So, let’s talk about why you don’t want to label foods as good and bad and then I’ll look at if there actually are good and bad foods.

Why You Shouldn’t Call Foods Good/Bad

The dichotomy of Good v. Bad is one that children learn very early on.  If you have a preschooler you’ll hear them talk about the good guys and bad guys in tv programs.  My daughter has even said “my good” when she helps pick up toys and this is with a very strong intention on my part to NOT label her (or her behavior) as good or bad.  When she is “good” I’ll say “thank you! You were so helpful.”  And, when she does something “bad” I’d say “If we rip pages out of a book then we can’t read the story any more.  Let’s tape it back in.”  This isn’t a post about gentle parenting but needless to say labeling kids with value judgments is not a good thing.  Even good labels are bad (ha!) for two reasons; 1) kids know the opposite of good.  If you say they are good then they know that they have a capability of being bad, and 2) placing a value judgement as vague as good becomes an external pressure on your child.  If you want to read more about this concept you can start here.

What does this have to do with food?  Before we can get there we need to look at another aspect of child development called moral reasoning.  The pyramid on the left is Kohlberg’s Six Levels of Moral Development.  Children start at the bottom self-preservation and move up to adult moral reasoning at the top.  Up to age 10 children fall into the three lowest levels while middle schoolers tend to be very black and white in a “law and order mentality” it is only in the later teen years (or older) that principled morality, recognizing shades of gray, is developed.

A young child can clearly understand good and bad based on the effect it has on those around them but they can not differentiate between a good person and a bad deed.  The idea that the bad guy on Monday can do something very good on Tuesday is too complex.  You are either good OR bad.

When you say “Twinkies are bad” and your child thinks, “I think Twinkies taste good and Twinkies are bad therefore I must be bad.”  And, even worse, “well I’m bad so I might as well just eat bad foods.”

And don’t think just sticking to good works!  If you say “fruits and vegetables are good” they are going to deduce that other foods are bad.  AND they won’t eat their veggies.  Oh, and don’t think trading another word works.  Kids know the opposite of healthy is unhealthy and the connotation intended.

It is too important to me that my kids develop a self-image that is positive for me to label them even indirectly.

But Twinkies ARE Bad!

Twinkies are horrible.  They aren’t even food they are “food-like substances”.  I don’t want my kids to eat Twinkies.  I want them to eat fruits and veggies and lean protein, etc. The fear is that if you don’t scare your kids with “DOOM for all Twinkie eaters!!” then they will eat nothing but Twinkies forever and ever.

But the opposite is true: Research has shown that creating forbidden foods actually increases poor eating habits in kids (see twinkies are bad therefore I must be bad above).  Other studies have shown that authoritative feeding styles in caregivers increases children’s consumption of healthy foods.

How To Encourage Healthy Eating Without Labeling

Authoritative Feeding is a style of parenting the eating relationship with the ultimate goal being your child making healthy food choices.  Parent-controlled feeding (Authoritarian Feeding) has the opposite of desired effects (as in the forbidden food research).  If your goal is to make your child a good choice maker then you need to give them choice.  There are 3 great ways to do this:

1. Have a Division of Responsibility.

You are responsible for providing options, a place, and a time to eat.  Your child is solely responsible for what they eat and how much.  SOLELY RESPONSIBLE.  That means stop with the nagging or commenting on how much they eat or what choices they made.  Remember that children learn food likes and dislikes through nurture not nature.  They eat what they see eaten; what they see served.

2. Provide Choice.

With young kids a choice between two things is best.  ”Do you want an apple or grapes for snack?”  This gives them control over their food choices. A caveat here that drives some parents batty: kids waste food.  My daughter eats half an apple a day…and leaves the other half to rot.  This drives my husband crazy!  But what are you going to do?  Tell them they can’t have an apple for snack?  Yell at them to finish their apple?  Anything you can do is counter intuitive   You could maybe give a sliced apple but my daughter likes to eat whole ones like a big girl.  I chalk up wasted food to the cost of raising a healthy eater.  Let it go.

3. Give Trust and Control When Possible.

I recommend having a “junk food” stash that your kids can get to.  Talk to them about how much candy they should be eating in a day (negotiate don’t tell) and then let them decide when to eat it.  With little kids it might be a “now or later” choice but as they get older it can be a weeks worth of candy that they are responsible for.  They can binge in one hour or make it last all week.  Little kids and those new to this control will always choose NOW and ALL but they won’t forever.  They will learn to delay gratification, space out treats, and trust their gut.  Stick firm to the limit and discuss the choice they made (“honey, you ate your candy for today this morning.  Maybe tomorrow you want to make a different decision and keep some for after dinner?”).

 But Are Some Foods Bad?

A Twinkie really is a bad food in my book because it isn’t food at all.  I’d rather make a fattening, sugary confection from real food and let my kids eat it than to let them eat a bunch of chemicals disguised as food.  My kids will learn from me about chemical dyes, artificial flavors, etc.  That is much more important to me than their ability to count calories or fat grams.  Humans can learn to trust their eating instincts – you won’t eat yourself to death with butter – but chemicals are like any drug in that they trick your body into thinking you need that non-food.  I trust humans but not drugs and that’s what food-like substances are.

I still won’t use labels of good and bad, and with all my kids being under 4, I don’t talk about this explicitly much but I will as they get older.  And even then, I will trust them to make their own choices.  (as long as they don’t have a dangerous sensitivity) I will let my kids pick the Twinkie if that is the choice they make.  Why? Because I’m not afraid.  Because bad foods don’t make bad people.  Because they love apples and eating is joy for them not a landmine field.  But mostly because their relationship with eating is so much more important than what they eat.

This concludes my follow-ups to the original article.  I know that our culture is firmly entrenched in;

a. fat is unhealthy
b. shame helps people get skinny
c. losing weight is easy with diet and exercise

so I’m probably not going to change anyone’s mind with three posts.  However, if you look at the research I’ve linked to and maybe read a few books you will see that the evidence is overwhelming in favor of intuitive eating and against the dangerous mentality we currently have toward food.  I hope I’ve piqued your interest to learn more.

The post Good Food v. Bad Food appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.

The HuffPostLIVE segment was prompted by a woman in Georgia who was harassed at a grocery store for being on Food Stamps (Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program or SNAP).  The guests were myself, Sandi Bachom, who is living on Food Stamps in NYC, Jojo Rhines, who is living on food stamps in South Carolina, and Mayor Greg Stanton, Phoenix, AZ Mayor who spent one week living on a Food Stamp budget (and limitations).  It was a wonderful discussion that brought up a lot of good points about how we treat people on “welfare”.

Is it Hard to Live on Food Stamps?

It was universal the dehumanized way people on Food Stamps are made to feel so in that aspect it is difficult to live on Food Stamps.  One thing I found interesting was that the other guests were talking about how difficult it is to eat on a Food Stamp budget.  A single person seems to get anywhere from $16 to $37 per week.  The national average is $133.14 per month.  I had never broken it down like this and that is a small amount to eat, let alone eat healthily. That’s $1.47 per meal.

I have to admit that I have found Food Stamps to be more than I used for groceries prior to Food Stamps.  I originally got $768 a month – that sounds like A LOT! – but is $153 per person per month.  The thing is you get economy of scale when you are cooking for a family.  If I make a pot roast I don’t have to buy 5 roasts, 5 pounds of potato, etc.  I can reduce my overall cost by combining and sharing.  Of course, my kids are small so I’d hate to estimate how much a family with 3 teens would need.  However, I still think the amount is high and perhaps the SNAP program could fund increased single-user benefits by calculating in an economy of scale decrease for families?

A couple other things to keep in mind with regards to Food Stamps: it is easy for me to cook from scratch and that is a very privileged position.  I have time, a plethora of tools that I had before going on Food Stamps, and the knowledge from a mother and grandmother that cooked from scratch.  This is not something that all Food Stamp recipients have at their disposal.

I’ve always disliked the image above because it makes a huge white, middle class privilege assumption.  If you are going between two jobs or working double shifts you don’t really have time to cook.  Do you have a functioning oven? A functioning refrigerator to grocery shop in this manner?

I think it is important to realize that everyone does not start with the same tools and opportunities.  We shouldn’t judge what we don’t know.

Are Food Stamp Recipients Lazy?

The other take away I wanted people to get was that many Food Stamp recipients do work.  The Georgia woman can’t work because she’s on dialysis.  Sandra Bechom is on assistance due to disability/age.  It is fitting that the guy who harassed the woman in Georgia gets to live with judging her as lazy when in fact she’s dancing with death.  Judge not, huh?

Here’s the thing though, I don’t like the idea of “well that’s ok because they deserve Food Stamps” implying that others do not.  At no point in our Food Stamp journey has my family been jobless.  Yes, I haven’t went back to work because I’m staying home with my kids instead of working only to afford child care.  My husband worked a retail job during our 5 months of Food Stamps.  He wasn’t lazy he was the working poor.

Food Stamps are available to families making at or under 130% of the Federal Poverty Line.  In 2012 the Federal Poverty Line for a family of 5 is $27,010.  That means you are considered underemployed and eligible for SNAP up to $34,032 (gross) for a family of 5.  Note, at that annual income a family of 5 would get less than $20 per month in Food Stamps so the sliding scale approaches zero quickly at the higher end and definitely does not cover a substantial portion of the needed food budget.

So why should an employed person get help?  For me, the obvious reason is everyone deserves a meal.  Especially kids (note that able-bodied adults without dependent children are normally only allowed Food Stamps for 3 months).  But, Food Stamps and other working poor entitlements like EIC, are often touted as alternatives to increasing the minimum wage.  These programs are designed to make living at a less-than-living wage possible without requiring businesses to shoulder the whole burden.  That is a Republican idea.  Don’t put it all on business and the minimum wage.

The fact is that the majority of Food Stamp recipients either can’t work (elderly/disabled/primary care givers for children or disabled) or are in fact working.  According to Forbes only 16% of recipients are non-working and without children.  A full 30% of SNAP households are working at below a living wage and use Food Stamps to offset the deficit in wages.  The US ranks first in amount of people on Food Stamps and I think this is why: other countries invest in living-wage policies and thus require less food supplementation.

Are you wondering now if you know someone eligible for SNAP who doesn’t even know it?  I bet we all do.  The USDA estimates that 1 in 4 eligible people don’t receive SNAP. During the Bush Administration commercials actually ran to increase enrollment – which worked – increasing participation by 63% (source).  I don’t see any rational reason for avoiding SNAP.  This overblown idea that American’s are “bootstrappers” who “built that” is total bs.  If your country says that increased wages are not possible for x business but this program can supplement your income then why avoid that?  You don’t avoid public schools for those that can’t afford private; you don’t avoid middle-class tax credits like the mortgage interest deduction.

I mean think about it: The government is saying that homeownership is difficult and they want to help people make that happen.  Instead of sending everyone a check for a down payment they decided to allow an interest deduction.  Does anyone say “well I’m not going to take that because I’m a self-starter and can do it on my own!”?  No way!  So if you are working in one of the millions of jobs that the government has decided is not paying a living wage and they are pointing you to this program to help you why is that stigmatized?

Well the stigmatization ends for me.  I refuse to hang my head for supplementing my husband’s income with SNAP.  My husband does an important job keeping the electricity running in this country and the government says we get a little help based on the pay he gets.  I’m taking it!  We aren’t lazy.  We aren’t irresponsible.  If he didn’t do that job then someone else would need to.  They should be able to have a family too.  I’m taking the mortgage deduction.  I’m taking the EIC if I’m eligible.  Maybe some day everyone will get paid a full living wage.  Until then I’m using the programs that are available for me and my children.

The post Raising a Family on Food Stamps (SNAP) appeared first on Baby Dust Diaries.