This day last year was the first day of my IVF cycle and thus my pregnancy with Aellyn. Of course I wouldn’t have my eggs harvested until the 23rd and my 2 beautiful embryos wouldn’t come back home with me until the 25th. I wouldn’t even know I was pregnant until June 1st. But, the way these things are calculated, May 7th, 2008 was Day One of my pregnancy. A pregnancy 9 years in the making.
I still can’t believe what a daily miracle the last year of my life has been. In memory of this day I went back to see what I was thinking/feeling this time last year.
Finally, CD 1 has arrived we can finally get the show on the road.
You would think that this would be a happy day since I finally got what I wanted but I had a really bad IF day. Two of my good friends are pregnant. One kept it from me so as not to hurt me, which always hurts 10x as bad. I’m just so frustrated at the injustice of it all. Why do some people get to be surrounded by children and I have to suffer with this pain that is just beyond explanation. It is like someone is squeezing my heart and I can’t breath. I feel like I will die. It is such a simple thing I crave – a child to love. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t want to be morose. I’ve been doing so good – thinking positive thoughts and doing my meditation. The day finally comes when I can start this miracle month of IVF brought on by God’s grace and the kind heart of some very rich people and I’m bawling like an IF newbie. You would think 9 years would give me more backbone than this.
So I”m off to meditate so I can find my happy and hopeful center again. I pray to God that my ovaries shine this month with perfect eggs and that we could finally be blessed with the baby we yearn for. May I savor each day of the journey so that the prize is that much more appreciated.
I can still feel that pain. There is just nothing like it. Of course, it makes the joy of Aellyn all that more sweet as pain often amplifies pleasure. My heart still aches for the babies I lost and for all the wonderful, strong women out there still waiting for their miracle.
This Mother’s Day, my first, I will say a silent prayer for all those women staying in bed all day – away from church, family, and the deluge of reminders that you are different, that you are childless another year. To all those women I want to say you are a mother in your heart if not yet in your arms.
Do you know someone struggling with Infertility? You probably do, 1 in 6 US couples is. This Mother’s Day take a moment to let them know you are thinking about them. It will make all the difference.