Baby Dust Diaries

A Life Less Ordinary

Remembering Childless Mothers

This day last year was the first day of my IVF cycle and thus my pregnancy with Aellyn.  Of course I wouldn’t have my eggs harvested until the 23rd and my 2 beautiful embryos wouldn’t come back home with me until the 25th.  I wouldn’t even know I was pregnant until June 1st.  But, the way these things are calculated, May 7th, 2008 was Day One of my pregnancy.  A pregnancy 9 years in the making.

I still can’t believe what a daily miracle the last year of my life has been.  In memory of this day I went back to see what I was thinking/feeling this time last year.

Finally, CD 1 has arrived we can finally get the show on the road.

You would think that this would be a happy day since I finally got what I wanted but I had a really bad IF day.  Two of my good friends are pregnant.  One kept it from me so as not to hurt me, which always hurts 10x as bad.  I’m just so frustrated at the injustice of it all.  Why do some people get to be surrounded by children and I have to suffer with this pain that is just beyond explanation.  It is like someone is squeezing my heart and I can’t breath.  I feel like I will die.  It is such a simple thing I crave – a child to love.  Is that too much to ask?

/cry

I don’t want to be morose.  I’ve been doing so good – thinking positive thoughts and doing my meditation.  The day finally comes when I can start this miracle month of IVF brought on by God’s grace and the kind heart of some very rich people and I’m bawling like an IF newbie.  You would think 9 years would give me more backbone than this.

So I”m off to meditate so I can find my happy and hopeful center again.  I pray to God that my ovaries shine this month with perfect eggs and that we could finally be blessed with the baby we yearn for.  May I savor each day of the journey so that the prize is that much more appreciated.

I can still feel that pain.  There is just nothing like it.  Of course, it makes the joy of Aellyn all that more sweet as pain often amplifies pleasure.  My heart still aches for the babies I lost and for all the wonderful, strong women out there still waiting for their miracle.

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This Mother’s Day, my first, I will say a silent prayer for all those women staying in bed all day – away from church, family, and the deluge of reminders that you are different, that you are childless another year.  To all those women I want to say you are a mother in your heart if not yet in your arms.

Do you know someone struggling with Infertility?  You probably do, 1 in 6 US couples is.  This Mother’s Day take a moment to let them know you are thinking about them.  It will make all the difference.

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6 Comments

  1. Wow! My best friend and I was just talking about this. She is such a warm, beautiful mother that I longed for so long for her to have a child of her own to nurture. She has accepted that she will not. Everytime I talk of my daughter, I sometimes stop to say, “are you ok with this?” The wonderful Being that she is says, “Yes V, I’m excited that I at least get to here your joy. You give me joy.” I love her so much! This morning, I left her a voicemail message saying, J (my daughter) and I want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day because you are truly a remarkable and loving mom! She is J’s Godmother! Thank you for allowing me a place to share this and my heart for my friend!

  2. Samantha @ Mama Notes

    September 28, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    This is a sweet post. I’m definitely keeping those mother’s in my thoughts and prayers and feeling so thankful for my baby.

  3. Samantha @ Mama Note

    September 28, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    This is a sweet post. I'm definitely keeping those mother's in my thoughts and prayers and feeling so thankful for my baby.

  4. Hi Paige:

    What a heartfelt post. My cousin in the UK just went through fertility treatments and is now pregnant. It surely is an emotional journey. Then there are women I know who have had many miscarriages on their journey to motherhood. We are all special and my thoughts are with those who have and those who are striving to have children on Mother’s Day and every other day.

  5. Hi Paige:What a heartfelt post. My cousin in the UK just went through fertility treatments and is now pregnant. It surely is an emotional journey. Then there are women I know who have had many miscarriages on their journey to motherhood. We are all special and my thoughts are with those who have and those who are striving to have children on Mother's Day and every other day.

  6. This is such a touching post. I can relate to how you were feeling this time last year as that was what I was going through nearly 3 1/2 years ago. I’m always so happy to hear that another mother has finally got her miracle after the pain of infertility and the emotional rollercoaster of IVF. I can also relate to your saying how the joy of your baby is all the more sweet. I’ve read two blog posts in the last couple of days by people critical of mama’s who blog about their ‘perfect, easy, children’ and make them feel bad because they’re not enjoying motherhood. They were blogs that I’d never read before but I was saddened by both these posts and wanted to say to them ‘don’t you know how special our children are and what some of us go through to become mothers?’. Like you, I believe I was a mother a long time ago I just had to wait to get the chance to mother my baby, and it was so worth the wait 🙂 Thanks for bringing to people’s attention, the struggles of the women who are still waiting.

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