Thanks to guest blogger: Super Glue Mommy
This new drug is 90% effective. If it doesn’t work for you, then just use more of the drug – the first round may have failed. Though the first round seems to fail for about half of the people who take it, we don’t think that accurately reflects the efficiency of the drug.
Don’t worry, this drug is definitely safe! We tested it against other drugs we guessed are safe, and after a month it seems they are just as safe as the other drugs we are assuming are safe. Besides, I am saying its safe, so that should be good enough. I also have references to other articles that are saying its safe. I wrote the other articles myself too, that means they are credible references. I am more important then you, so you can take my word for it.
We don’t have a control group of people who haven’t used this product, but since people seem more educated then they were before we started selling this product, we know its solely because of our product. It definitely has nothing to do with advancements in technology, or the fact that more people are seeking higher education, or the fact that we have learned things from our ancestors. The increase in society’s overall intelligence is definitely because of this new drug we are marketing. We know the increase was taking place before we introduced the drug, but that was just a coincidence. Its also a coincidence the increase it taking place in other societys who dont use our drug.
Most people believe me. You should too. If you don’t take this drug, you may become stupid. Don’t you care about the intelligence of society as a whole?
There has also been an increase in death, cancer, and neurological disorders since we began selling this drug. This has nothing to do with the drug we are selling though. We are only responsible for the increase in intelligence. We would do some unbiased research to prove this, but that wouldn’t be very politically correct of us. It has nothing to do with not wanting to admit any wrong doing or because it would effect our sales though.
Even if our drug DID cause those things though, which is more dangerous? risking being stupid and possibly getting ina car accident or failing a test? or permanent injury/death? Obviously the risk of possibly being stupid, and then possibly getting hurt due to your stupidity, outweighs the risk of dying from our drug that can prevent the POSSIBLE stupidity in the first place.
Don’t be tricked by the skeptics, either! if they were educated they would trust us implicitly. They are just the kind of people who need this drug the most.
We also sell other drugs. We tested them all separately, and by our safety standards, they are safe. We haven’t tested them together, but any chemist can tell you if a drug is safe separately it is definitely safe in conjunction with other drugs.
We understand all other drug companies on the market have to prove their drug is safe. Ours however, are very special, and are considered safe until proven otherwise. We don’t have a reason for this, but you should be a good little follower, take our word for it, and keep your skepticism to yourself. After all, you do purchase everything you see on infomercials, right? If not, you are probably just some crazy conspiracy theorist who blindly follows the celebrities who don’t use our product. By the way, Britney Spears uses our product so you should too.