Baby Dust Diaries

A Life Less Ordinary

About Me

Infertility In Remission

Infertility. No one thinks it will happen to them. In reality, fertility – something we take for granted – is a miraculously coordinated orchestra of hormones and timing. In couples suffering from infertility (IF) a part (or parts) of the orchestra are not playing in key. Just one wrong note makes the seemingly simple task of procreation extremely difficult.

For 9 years I was a mother without a baby. Now, I’m transitioning into the wonderful world of parenthood with a dose of “parenting after infertility.” I am a new mother like any other – exploring the world of attachment parenting – babywearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping – and maximizing my baby daughter’s health.

I’m also mother to 3 frozen embryos I call my snowflakes. Although I’m an infertile in “remission” I carry it with me always and my family building will always be a little different than most. My blog will continue to look at issues of infertility.

I am a research librarian at NASA. I’m an research junkie so I’ll often share my information on topics of importance to parents.
 

What is Baby Dust?

Baby Dust is a wish of good luck for a woman who is trying to conceive. It is like saying break a leg for an actor or merde for a dancer. You say “baby dust” as a good luck wish.  I named my blog that in part to make fun of the concept but also secretly to bring some good luck my way!

How to support a friend with IF

You are not an expert in conception. Having a viable pregnancy does not make you an expert in this. Trust me, your IF friend has read more books and knows more about conception than you could ever hope to know.

RELAXING is not a medical treatment for IF.

IF is a medical condition treated with a wide array of treatments none of which include a pillow under the hips!

Don’t offer us your eggs/sperm/uterus. This is like me wanting a porsche and you offering to let me drive yours. If I ever want to drive your porsche I’ll ask.

Don’t assume I will fall apart if you tell me our mutual friend is pregnant. I might fall apart but you will only make it worse by going on and on about how “I didn’t want to tell you but…” Just tell us like ripping a band aid off.

Forgive me for making excuses to get out of baby showers and other events featuring pregnant women or babies. Sometimes it hurts too bad and a well planned excuse is just an act of self preservation.

IF treatments are intensive, sometimes painful, always emotionally taxing procedures. This isn’t like getting a splinter removed. If your friend has a procedure – CALL and ask how she is doing at least. Flowers and chocolate are also appreciated.

Fertility drugs can make you crazy. Erratic behavior is expected, please understand. Imagine your worst PMS then multiply it by 1000 then imagine it is happening during a devistating time in your life like the loss of a loved one – this may get you 1/2 way to grasping the roller coaster her emotions are on.

The failure of an IF cycle is like dying a little inside. Flippant remarks like “you can have my kid” or “don’t worry it will happen” is demeaning.

How many pregnancy tests have you taken? We’ve peed on hundreds of home pregnancy test sticks. We have prayed over the stick for 3 minutes for 2 pink lines. We have held the stick in the light and looked for even the phantom of a line. We have cried over many sticks and taken another (and another) to be sure. Our relationship with pregnancy tests are not the same as yours.

Our IF is NOT at all like the “agonizing 4 months” it took you to get pregnant. We are not being impatient we are suffering from an illness (or illnesses).

Don’t say “you can always adopt.” While adoption is a beautiful option and we may get there one day – don’t assume we are there now. Giving up on our biology is a difficult process of loss. Saying this to a couple who is not ready to move on is paramount to saying “you can always remarry” to a woman who’s husband has just died.

Don’t ask us “are you pregnant?” every time we call. For goodness sake we will let you know! Your prayers are so so welcome but don’t ask stupid questions.

Don’t say things like “I wish my house was as clean as yours, but we have 2 kids.” OR “Must be nice to sleep in on Saturdays, our kids get us up.” OR “You’re lucky you can afford manicures/pedicures/theatre tickets/other luxuries; but you don’t have kids to take all your money.” Seriously, saying things like this is like punching us in the stomach. We would gladly have a messy house, no sleep, and ratty finger nails to not feel the empty hole of childlessness in our lives.

Do you want to support me? Tell me that you can’t imagine what we are going through. Tell me you don’t know what to say but that you are always there for me if I need you.

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4 Comments

  1. Oh I just hated the God has other plans thing. This caused me to have a huge crisis of faith just when I needed my faith the most. I should add this to my list because it is a terrible thing to say. If it is true then I would have given up and wouldn’t be about to birth a beautiful daughter that God intended to bring me!

  2. You have a wonderful story. I very happy that you have a little girl now. And you have some very interesting things to say to a couple TTC. Ive never really thought about it before. As I dont have any friends who have had problems. But If I ever do I know now what I could or should not say. Thank you.

  3. Congratulations on your beautiful little girl, Paige! I am so happy for you and just found your site. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 18 cycles, and it feels like an eternity. I cannot imagine trying for nine years! I have such a wide range of emotions, and the few people that know we’re struggling with infertility are pretty insensitive – recommending movies that just happen to star an infertile couple, asking me to babysit of all things, talking about how easy it is once you figure out when you’re ovulating, talking about how they’re getting ready to try for number two, bombarding me with excruciating detail after detail about their child’s development… I’m pretty much filled with hatred right now because I feel like I know so much more than they do – like they’re clueless because parenthood was handed to them on a silver platter. We did everything “right.” Planned out every detail for a year before trying to conceive, and then started interviewing midwives and taking vitamins three months before tying to conceive. I even stopped filling my own gas tank so I wouldn’t be breathing the fumes! It’s just really hard when you’re such a devoted parent, doing everything right and with research and deliberation, and then people you know who didn’t even want to have kids “accidentally” get pregnant. I’m going to have some perspective when this is all said and done. You are an inspiration.

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