So, right now it is 10:28PM. At midnight tonight I turn 31 years old. I have never hated my birthday before. I’m not the type to get upset at getting old. I wouldn’t be 21 again if you paid me (unless, of course, you paid me enough for IVF! ). However, this birthday just makes me want to cry. I don’t want a birthday or a birthday cake or any festivities. I want a BABY! I just want to scream into the cosmos – PLEASE, I just want a baby. I don’t know how I will endure all the well wishing tomorrow. The thought of plastering a smile on my face for a cake cutting makes me want to call in sick. Of course, my office mates, god bless them, will just wait until the next day. I guess I can’t call off forever (can I?).
Our best friends (C&Y) are getting a divorce. It looks like it is quickly dissolving into an ugly divorce. They have two beautiful kids. I feel bad for them one minute and the next I want to slap them sensless (my friends, not the kids!). Most of all though I just feel that I don’t have the emotional energy to take on their pain. I have complained here before about my friends who have abandoned me because of IF. I also have to take some blame for being a shite friend. I’m totally avoiding my one friend (Hi, Z) because I just don’t have the energy to talk to anyone about IF; and I really don’t want to talk about anything else. When C or Y call I just don’t feel like there is any room on my worry plate to fit their side dish. This plate is all full with the wonderful main course.
On the menu today:
Served with Warm Bitterness and Jealousy Compote
All meals served with Whine
So, I have been on business travel this week in Virginia. I really debated earlier this month whether I should bow out of this trip. I knew I would a) be pregnant (yeah, right) or b) be very upset at another failed cycle. In hind sight it was the best thing for me. You know travel can be a mini-vacation, even if it is work related. For a few sweet days my normal responsibilities were suspended. I had to show up, participate, be brilliant. But, I didn’t have to finish that report, go to meetings (and more meetings), make major decisions, etc. AND, the best part is my evenings are huge empty vacuums of time. I fill this time with…Romance Novels.
Ok, I admit it I LOVE TO READ ROMANCE NOVELS. And not the “high brow” kind. I like bodice-rippers. And frankly, throw in a pirate, highlander, or vampire and I’m on cloud nine. This is almost embarrassing. In my real life I’m an uber-intellectual. I have enough college degrees that I actually need a 12-step addicts program. I work, literally, with rocket scientists all day. Hey, it is time to come out of the closet. Romance novels are engrossing, sweet, exciting, and always have a happy ending. My favorite author is Phillip K. Dick. A little deep if your goal is to relax for a short while. My current faves are Karen Marie Moning andSherrilyn Kenyon (btw, if you are not familiar with library thing – is a great way to create your own book catalog – check it out. You can also add your books to your blog, as I do on the left below so people can see what you are reading). Can’t get enough.
I read very fast so I can read one per evening. This means a 4 day business trip is four trips into the story of someone else’s life. I can’t think, I can’t worry, I fall asleep with a smile on my face. It is bliss.
So, does this mean I’ve come to grips in some way with this terrible process that conception has become. NO. When it drifted into my mind unbidden I felt such waves of sadness and a pinch of bitterness that threatens to engulf me. That scares me the most. I don’t want to let this darken my soul but sometimes I fear it is out of my hands. I want a child more than anything and yet when I see a child or a family or a pregnant woman I feel overwhelmed with jealousy. I go out of my way to avoid situations with children. It seems to be a weird dichotomy of hating to see the thing I want the most.
Lately the idea that I’m not meant to have children and I should find another focus has been creeping into my mind. This is not a foreign thought. It is the reason I have been so slow to seek IF treatment and why July 2006 was the 7th anniversary of our search for baby. Is this thought right? Or, is it just cowardice that makes me want to pretend to not want it – because I’m afraid I can’t have it. Is ignorance bliss?
It is a compulsion. I am afraid to NOT try to get pregnant. I couldn’t stim this month since I have several business trips. However, we plan to do a natural IUI cycle. Am I doing it to get pregnant or to prove to everyone just how awful this condition is? If they see me fail again and again they will get it more and more. This is already true with my family and friends. I don’t think they have “gotten it” for the past 6 years. But, with each failure and broken heart they start to see that this is not a “bummer.”
Thank you so much for the kind thoughts from my blogland friends. It means so much to know that there are people out there rooting for me as I root for them. I apologize for being behind on everyone’s blogs – I can’t wait to catch up and see where everyone is at.
What doesn’t kill us is supposed to make us strong, right?
I am 7dpiui and this evening I had spotting. I wasn’t even looking because I’ve been so sure that this cycle is a bust but I guess “looking” is just a habit. When I saw it I had an instantaneous spike of hope followed immediately by a punch of despair. I was doing so good with not getting my hopes up this cycle. I have NEVER, EVER spotted in my lp and this was pink – not pink as in diluted red, but actually pink. How can this change of pace for my body not make me hopeful?
Even now I am sure I can feel AF coming on. Why must my body always find new ways to mock me? I’ve gotten past phantom nausea, breast pain, and any myriad of “pregnancy” symptoms that my body has thrown my way. And now this.
Three things can come of this:
1. AF arrives tomorrow: WTF? talk about luteal phase defect! I don’t think 7 days is going to fall into normal and maybe they should give me the damn progesterone like I fucking asked.
2. No more spotting tomorrow, AF arrives next Tuesday as planned. My body played the ultimate mind fuck. If this happens I don’t know what I’ll do. Seriously, just thinking about it makes me more depressed than I’ve ever felt in my life.
3. We all know the third thing that could happen.
In other news I have a stye in my eye. I’d like to start a petition to change the name of this ailment. Saying “STYE in my EYE” makes me feel like a bad Dr. Seuss. It is a silly name. What should we call it? I think maybe: Really Expensive Ailment That Causes Me To Have To Throw Away A Barely Used Contact Lens and Tube of Mascara Needlessly. Or how about: Ailment That Has No Effective Over The Counter Treatment (aka; We Can Put A Man On the Moon But Can’t Make a Treatment for a Stye?) Or, how about: Dear God, Do I Really Have to Go to Work With This Hideous Bump On My Eye?
But, I digress.
Day two yielded 1.2 million also.
As depressed as I am right now, I’m even more upset because I know that the little devil hope will creep in uninvited and I will manage to be devestated if this cycle doesn’t work.
How many unwanted children were born today to undeserving parents who will not love and nurture their offspring?
If you will remember our first IUI we had a beautiful day. This time I can’t even try to smile.
(here is our background, so this makes sense)
Our total post-wash motile count was 1.2 million. I just cried and cried right there on the table.We actually had our highest sperm count ever at 140.6 million and 23% motility – our best ever. How can we go from 140 to 1.2??? That is less than .01% or our pre-wash. WTF? Is this what antibodies are doing to us? I can just picture the sperm trying to swim through the gradient and being held down by these ugly antibodies. Little fuckers.
I don’t even know how to feel about tomorrow. I’m just filled with despair.
My e2 is 659 so I’m sure I would ovulate on my own tomorrow even if I didn’t trigger – hence no more days of stims to help the smaller ones along. 🙁
And, of course, the one day ALL SUMMER that I had an important committment at work – July 12 will be insemination morning #2. I hate letting people down. My co-worker was able to rearrange the schedule of the conference to move my speech but I just feel like a loser! IF is hard enough but trying to maintain my “everything is alright; I can do anything” attitude is even harder.
The worst part of it all is – I feel an almost non-existent hope of actually getting pregnant. So, that means I’m letting people down at work for nothing.
To add insult to injury – I called my husband so he could start arranging his schedule for tomorrow and Wednesday (we are trying double insem this time) and he said, and I quote: “this is going to be a pain in the ass.”
A PAIN IN THE ASS!
How about shots, sore ovaries, mood swings that rival a carnival roller-coaster, in addition to my own work-related crap. Pain in the ass? UGHHHHHHHHH
Needless to say I burst into tears and then hung up on him!
Oh happy day.
*Update: Feeling immediate remorse, my darling husband called back and apologized profusely. I talked to my co-worker who is coordinating the conference I was to speak at and I have to admit I shamelessly used some tears welling-up to get sympathy (I have been vague, he doesn’t know what type of medical thing is going on and I wanted to make sure he didn’t think I was getting my nails clipped or something). The conference will carry on without me – of course.
and if you want to really annoy someone, send them this:
Have a nice Sunday everyone.
P.S. I have gotten rid of my alias (Damona who is the gaul godess of fertility) and just decided to use my name. I was being inconsistent in what I used and I tried to think of the worst thing that could happen if someone reading my blog figured out who I was…? I’m thinking no big deal. So Paige it is.
What is her story? Do her ovaries hurt as much as mine? Is this her first cycle? How long has she been trying? Does she cry as much as I?
I also think about the world outside me going on as usual while we sit here enduring infertility and all its trappings. I think about how I’m going to get to work and want to scream at everyone who says goodmorning, “I’ve been up for hours. I’ve been dildocam’d and blood drawn. This is way past morning for me and just this side of good.”
Mostly though I think to the women sitting there with me…I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
e2 at 135 – rising for a change! still lots of follies around 10mm. One at 11.4. I hope a few others catch up. Three more days at 300 units and then monitoring on Monday.
I had the talk with my boss today and it went really well! She was sympathetic and understanding. My biggest fear is that she wouldn’t “get it.” You know how some people think infertility means “take a pill and have twins.” I was afraid she wouldn’t see the seriousness of the problem. I worried needlessly (imagine me worrying <insert dripping sarcasm>), she was very sympathetic and offered to work with me to lighten my load at work. I told her that it is very difficult for me to feel I’m not giving 110% at work. She said, bless her soul, that I give 200% and if I pedaled back my work I’d still be giving 110%. This made me feel wonderful! My other fear is that she would (consciously or unconsciously) steer away from giving me new projects. She was adamant that she would not do that and I pointed out that I long ago decided NOT to live my life around getting pregnant. It really seems moot.
Today I took my 6th dose of stims and my second day of 300 IU. I go in tomorrow for monitoring. I mentioned before that I had 24 follies going but they were all 10mm or under. They will of course cancel if a few don’t take the lead. I heard that some women’s ovaries really favor a single follicle and the 2-3 for IUI is difficult to achieve. I really hope we can get a few more targets since we are dealing with MF.
Check out Gravida Zero’s great “You Might be Infertile if…”
WTF? My RE upped my dose to 300 units. I go back on Friday to see if it is working. I have 11 follicles around 10mm on the left and 13 on the right. Alright…all together now… “you’d be great for IVF!’ If I hear this one more time I’ll scream. How can I be such a good responder? Even in IF I’m overachieving. I just want to be a C student, ya know? 2, 3, 4 follicles is fine I don’t want to set records here.
This high dosage of FSH (my apologies to IVFers who think this dosage is lightweight) is really playing havoc on my senses. I’m on the verge of tears continually and I feel like I’m carrying 2 tons of bricks on my shoulders. The farce of keeping a smile on my face is draining me. I guess the worst part is that I really feel no hope of actually getting pregnant this cycle – it is more like a hurdle I have to jump to move to the next step – DS, IVF, adoption, childlessness – whatever it is I have to say I did X number of IUIs, right?
Another issue – in the enirety of the summer there is only one day that I absolutely must be at work at 9:30 AM to present at a conference. Statistically my IUI should not fall on this day…according to Murphy’s Law of IF, my IUI will most certainly fall on this day. I hate letting people down. I hate feeling like I can’t put my personal needs above work needs. I want to feel that I have a right to take care of myself. Granted, no one is making me feel this way, everyone had been super supportive, it is me who wants to give 110% in every aspect of my life. I’m losing sleep over this – not helping my mood or my chances of conception.
Tomorrow is D-day – I’m going to tell my boss about our IF. Wish me luck.
Note: I realized that my nifty aconym tags do not work in IE. If you roll over an acronym it will pop-up the definition but it doesn’t show acronyms with the dashed underline. Damn IE and its crappy support of CSS – why are you using IE anyway, dear reader? Step up to the Firefox plate – you’ll never go back!
New Look; Same Blog
Yes! You are in the right spot – I changed the look of the blog as I have been meaning to get away from the blog templates. Sorry if the glitter annoys anyone but I love the way it reminds me of Dorothy’s shoes from the Wizard of Oz. Maybe I can click my heels together and wish for a baby?
Today is the 7th anniversary ofTTC. It was seven years ago this month that DH and I had the “big talk” about not refilling my bcp and starting a family. That was such a wonderful time. We were excited but more than a little scared. We were only 24 and it was such a big step. The whole next few months were very exciting. Everytime we looked at each other it was with this tender look of excitement.
We could never have imagined what the future held. It has been a very bumpy ride to say the least. My greatest blessing though is that we have not let this journey damage our greatest asset – our marriage. When we look at each other we still have the tender look of “you are going to father/mother my children”; even if that look is more than often through tears. We have grown so much stronger in our struggle to start a family and I know it will make us better parents when the time comes.
Completely off topic. I have debated how anonymous this blog should be and I have avoided speaking of my job – but I just can’t hold back today. I have been blessed to work for the greatest organization in the world – NASA. Today STS-121 is scheduled for launch. I know that there are many important and pressing things going on in our world right now and looking to the stars may seem counterproductive. I invite everyone to take a minute and glory in the best side of humanity. The side that combines drive, passion, and teamwork with techinical and scientific knowledge to bring humanity together and beyond the boundaries of our problems. Look up at the sky and see us as we can be. Watch the launch of Discoveryhere.
Update: Launche was scrubbed due to bad weather. Tune in tomorrow at 3:15 for another try. I know it is frustrating and anticlimatic to see the launches get cancelled but NASA is extremely careful with the lives of the astronauts. It has to be perfect conditions.
I wish them all sticky thoughts and uneventful 9 months of bliss! They are wonderful inspirations to the rest of us. It can happen!