We had our first Urology appointment today. The doctor was very nice, spent a lot of time with us and answered our questions. I stayed in the room the whole time which was embarassing for my DH (Darling Husband).

Prognosis. DH may have a varicolcele [veri kol’ seal] which is a varicose vein in the testes. He has scheduled an ultrasound to look more at this. Our primary problem still seems to be ASA (anti-sperm antibodies) and the doc ordered some additional tests along those lines.

The worst part was that the doctor asked for a new sample. Since I will “O” tomorrow we have been doing the baby dance (sex) for the past few days. We actually tried to produce a sample (imagine how romantic that was in the examination room!) but no cigar! Poor DH was very embarassed/pissed at himself. I told him no apologies – when I’m in that brief fertile window I would much rather have the swimmers swiming toward my egg than the bottom of a sterile cup. The sample will just have to wait a few days. Besides the sample will be better after a few days of abstinence.

All in all everything went well. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t find a private corner in Border’s afterwards to cry my eyes out. I didn’t want DH to see me because I didn’t want him to think I was upset about his lack of a sample. I really can’t explain why I cried but I have cried after every appointment so far. There is something raw about visiting these cold clinical rooms to ask for a baby. The sense of injustice is overwhelming. The sense of desperation – thinking “if only the doctor likes me” I will get my baby.

It is irrational.

It is infuriating!

It hurts so bad…

Ok, going to go cry some more.

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